Next year, Dudes

Wow, what a season, man. I really thought we had 'em. My teams never finish in last place, dudes. I don't know what these guys were doing. Tomorrow I have a meeting with Jim, the guy who works for me and we're going to figure out what to do with this team. I can tell you right now, I've got a five point plan, that will not fail.

1. Re-sign Neifi. Can't win without my horses, and Neifi's one helluva jockey.

2. Phony up Darren's birth certificate and let him be the bat boy. I have never not gone to the World Series in a year when Darren was the bat boy.

3. More night games. Can't win with all these whities in all this heat.

4. Win more games. If we'd have won 84 games we'd have gone to the playoffs. So next year, let's win 84!

5. Sign Barry Bonds. Dude's got 734 home runs. That's more than we hit this year.

Anyway, I've got all offseason to work on this plan. Tomorrow at my meeting I'll get Jim set to work on this. Go Giants!

I mean Cubs.

Dude.

Back to work!

Hey dudes! Long time no blog! I gotta tell you I've been busy. Spring training looks like it'd be a lot of fun. You know you fly down to Arizona. You get to enjoy some nice warm weather and you get to play baseball. But man, let me tell you, there is a lot of work to do.

My teams always play good defense and my teams always run the bases great. Last year, the Cubs didn't do either of those things very well. I guess that was Dick Pole's team. Couldn't have been mine. Mine don't do those things.

This year we've got a lot of questions to answer. Who's gonna play second base? Who's gonna play left field? Who's gonna drive the ambulance on days Kerry Wood pitches? Hah! Good one.

I'll give you some inside poop on the second base job. The guys in the mix are Todd Walker, Neifi and Jerry Harrison Jr.

See, now Todd's my offensive second baseman. He's got a good bat, bats lefty, knows the game. Neifi? He's my glove man. Real slick at second base. Like a ballerina. Only bigger and fatter and a dude. Hardison? I think he was on the team last year. I played his dad, Joey Sr. Good guy. I'm not so sure about his kid.

So the decision I have to make is do I want the best offensive player I can get there, or do I want to go with a glove man? Last year our defense was pretty bad. Couldn't have been my team. My teams don't play like that. But it was bad. I don't think we turned a double play for the last 140 games of the season.

But we didn't score many runs, either. So maybe I need some offense there? See the kind of stuff I have to decide! This stuff isn't nuclear physics. It's harder!

I would much rather have to do some nuclear physics in the dugout than figure out whether to play Todd or Neifi or the Harrelson kid.

As for left field? We've got Young Murton. Good kid. Hit the weights this winter, got bulked up. He kind of looks like Mark McGwire.

I mean McGwire now, you know after he got off the stuff and weighs like a buck 80.

But as much as I like Young Murton, I've got Marquis Grissom to think about. You can't just sit Marquis on the bench. He's a veteran, and a gamer and he's been through the wars, man. Here's a guy who played in Montreal and Milwaukee. You know how many World Series he's been in? You can't just replace that kind of experience. It's tough.

Well, it's almost time for me to pack up and head home. It's been a long day. After practice I thought the guys could use some more work. So I gave them a choice. They could run a mile, or they could take four laps around Scott Eyre.

Can't spell convention without convent

Dudes, just got back from fishin' and wanted to update you on what's been going on lately. I love the InterWeb because it gives me a chance to kick it with Cubs fans 24/7/365! At least those of you who have computers. You know the white ones. Nah, that's not fair.

This was my fourth Cubs Convention and like my dad always says, "You can't spell conventnion without convent!" Dad's not all there anymore, gang.

I prepared for a little bit of a harsh welcome this year. I understand that Cubs' fans are upset. You know, before I came to manage here, the Cubs were one of the best teams in baseball. They won pennants all the time and were in the World Series more than Tim McCarver's orange hair paint. Wait, you mean they weren't? Well, then how is any of this my fault then?

Anyway, I expected to get greeted with some boo'in and some hissin', but I didn't get none of that. When I got introduced the fans all said "Duuuuuuuuuude!" I loved it. See, I knew Cubs' fans get it. It's the media who don't know the difference between their ass and a hole in the ground. And those blog guys. I don't even know what a blog is. I guess it's like a diary you post on the InterWeb. That seems kind of...uh...girly. I mean something that like a 14 year old girl would do. I'd never do anything like that.

So where was I? Oh, yeah, our offseason. It's been great. If I had to rank our new acquisitions, I'd do it this way:

1. Marquis Grissom -- You can't beat veteran leadership. I'm excited about a full year of Marquee Marq and the Funky French Bunch in the outfield.
2. Scott Eyre -- He's a lefty pitcher and those are hard to find. I saw a thing on Discovery that said that one in every five people are lefthanded. So if you figure that like one half of one percent of people who play baseball make the major leagues and that one half of that one percent are pitchers and that one fifth of that one half percent are lefthanded. Damn, I think my mind just blew.
3. John Mayberry -- Loved him in KC. I can't wait to meet the brother at Spring Training. Good times.
4. Wade Wilson -- He was rough on us when we faced him in Houston all those years, and he was pretty good with the Vikings. We tried to get Tommy Kramer, but the dude is too drunk to do much more than sleep in my fishing boat.
5. Juan Pierre -- He's one of those players that you hated to see on the other team and you love to have on your team. Just like Neifi.
6. Bob Howard -- Don't know much about him, since he's been in the other league all these years, but I met him at the convention and he's tall, so that's good.
   
7. Carlos Perez -- Got him from the Orioles in that big blockbuster trade for Corey Patterson. I'm trying to talk him into bringing Pascual and Melido to camp, too. Just don't let Pasqual drive! Oh, damn, that's a good one! I should write some of these down.
8. Jaques Jones -- He's smaller than I thought he'd be. Big teeth, though.
9. Rafael Furcal -- He's gonna be in the mix with Cesar Izturis and...wait, I don't manage the Dodgers yet. Probably next year.

I'm pretty excited about the season. I will admit that a couple of guys got a little fired up at the convention. One guy said that he thinks that during a season there are 10 to 15 games that a manager can have a direct impact of the outcome of and that we "didn't win one of those last year." I think he's right. I think we won 14 of them.

After the convention I flew to Vegas for a few days at the Palms. Man, those Maloofs are crazy. For three ugly white guys with creepy voices they get some primo tail. They're still trying to buy the A's and move them to Vegas and they want me to manage the team if that happens. Dude, I'm excited about that. Can you imagine living in Vegas year around?

Wait, I need to remember to erase that last paragraph. I could probably get in trouble if the Tribune guys knew I was looking for other jobs while I was still managing the Dodgers...I mean the Cubs.

One last thing, I read the other day that my old Giants player, Barry Bonds, has pulled out of the World Baseball Classic. I know he's got a bad knee, I mean he missed like 150 games last year, so I don't think the fact that he announced he wasn't playing, two days after it was announced that they'd use Olympic-style blood tests at the WBC instead of the urine tests that Major League Baseball does, had anything to do with hit. No sir.

Hey, I gotta go. Stay cool, dudes.

Fly like an Oriole

I just got a call from the guy who works for me named Jim and he said we traded Corey Patterson today to the Baltimore Orioles for a minor league shortstop and Carlos Perez. I'm pretty psyched about getting Perez. He was tough on us in San Francisco when he pitched for the Expos and Dodgers. Good dude. Ran into some trouble when he raped somebody I think, but hey, like Joe Pa says, dudes.

A lot of people ask me what went wrong with Corey. Here's a guy who seemed like he had a lot of talent. But sometimes you can get too much, too soon. When I was in Atlanta batting behind Hank Aaron I thought I was the cat's pajamas, dudes. But it's not easy. They pay the pitchers too, dudes. Know what I mean? They pay them, too.

Corey had some good times in Chicago. I heard he was having familial relations with one of the Fox Sports girls. The one who sounds like a guy. But I don't know. I try to stay out of my players' personal lives. You go on one roadtrip with Dave Stewart and you see enough freaky stuff to learn to keep it all locked up, you know what I mean?

For me, Corey's biggest disappointment is that he never learned how to be a good leadoff guy. He's got Rickey Henderson kind of skills. But he couldn't do it. I kept trying to force him to do it, but it didn't take. I told him, "You're too short to bat anywhere but first. That's science." But he didn't listen.

Dudes ask me if Corey was too stubborn for his own good, and maybe he was. Sometimes the last thing you want to do is what somebody tells you to do. It's like with my son Darrin. You tell him to clean up his room and he'll throw crap all over the walls (and I mean, crap). But if you let him realize on his own that his room needs cleaning, he'll make it sparkle. I tried some of that with Corey. They call it inverse psychiatry. I read books, I know stuff. Even that didn't work with him. So then I tried the inverse of inverse psychiatry, where instead of telling somebody the opposite of what you want them to do, you tell them what you want them to do and make them think it's the opposite, then they do what you told them to do to piss you off, but it's really what you want them to do. I know, it's complicated. I made a chart. If I can figure out how to fit the thing in the CD drive on this computer, I'll load it up for you.

Anyway, I'm kind of sad to see Corey go. He reminds me of me when I was playing with Hank Aaron, only, worse.

Stay cool, dudes.

Grand Marquis

Happy New Years, dudes! Unless you're a Chinese, and then it's not New Year's yet, that's not until like March or something. Those Chinese they always make it the year of the something, like the Ram or the Monkey, but I think this year is going to be the year of the Giants! I mean the Cubs. Yeah, the Cubs. It's gonna be great.

I decided to stop being negative. That's my New Year's Evolution, to be more less negative. I know that our team has some holes in it. We still don't have what I call a real run producer guy in our lineup. We're going with kids at some crucial spots, but like I always say, I like playing kids, I just never get any to play. It ain't exactly been the Neverland Ranch around Chicago and San Francisco the past decade and a half.

But I'm gonna play young players, like Derrek Lee and Aramis Ramirez. Can't sit those guys on the bench, no matter how young and underexperienced they might be.

But I'm happy to say that I work well with some of the savvy veterans, and the guy who works for me with the Cubs--Jim--he just picked me up a guy who led the league in savoir faire the past few years, my main man Marquis Grissom.

I know a lot of people think that I've already managered Marquis, but that's not true. We missed each other by one year in Frisco. This is gonna be fun. He's a real pro. He knows what to do in big spots. Take two and hit to right. Man, now that's baseball! I don't know what that means, but it's baseball!

We're gonna be the only team in the game with three French outfielders. Hell, we'll probably have more Frenchies on our club than the French team in the World Baseball Classic thing this spring. We'll have Marquis in left, Pierre in center and Jacque in right. Good stuff! Love it.

I know Grissom had a bad year last year, but he was hurt. Everybody gets hurt once and a while. When I was a kid playing with Hank Aaron in Atlanta even he got hurt. The Hammer got hurt. No lie.

He had a bad toe that year. We called it the Hammer Toe. He didn't like that much, though. Hank had a thing about how nice his feet were, so he didn't want people thinking he really had a hammer toe.

That was a good time, those years in Atlanta. I remember one time when it was me and Hank and Milo Hamilton sitting on the bus at the hotel waiting to go to the ballpark. I'm pretty sure it was in Cincinnati and we were going to Riverfront Stadium, it'd only been open a couple years and it would get so hot in that place that the AstroTurf would heat up and burn you right through your shoes.

Hank was afraid that it was going to happen that day. And since his toe already hurt, he was worried about it. Then Milo did the nicest thing I've ever seen a journalist do. He gave Hank something to put in his shoe between his foot and the bottom of the shoe. Sure enough Hank played all nine innings that day, in the sweltering heat and made it through just fine. If you get the tape of the game, you can see it. You'll see Milo Hamilton's toupee sticking out of Hank's shoes.

Now that's a class move.

Well, I gotta go. Darren and I are going fishing, right over by where Scott Peterson dumped his pregnant wife into the Bay. Big croppies over there this time of year.

Stay cool, Dudes!

N(o)"a"mor(e)

Bad news today, dudes. Nomar signed with the Dodgers. He was a class dude, man. He's a Hall of Famer and those guys are tough to replace. It's not like you can go to a bush and pick off a Hall of Famer. Barry Bondses don't grow on bushes, Hank Aarons, neither.

When we got Nomar two years ago, I really thought it meant we were gonna win the pennant. It was a big day over there in Chicago. That guy who works for me--Jim--he called me up and said we got Nomar, and I was geeked about it. Nomar's a batting champion, and a veteran. When we got him, he played a lot of games for us, and then he got hurt. Then he got hurt again. And again.

You know that old saying, "You can't make the club in the tub?" I think it's a football saying. It works for baseball, too. You can't win the pennant in the tub. That doesn't rhyme as good, though.

We had some tough decisions to make this offseason. The first one was to pick between a couple of superstar shortstops. On one hand you have Nomar. Batting title winner, great defender. Good guy. Then you have Neifi. I mean it's not a hard decision to make.

You gotta go with Neifi.

So I hope Nomar does good out there in LA with the Dodgers. You know after I got done batting behind Hank Aaron in Atlanta I went to the Dodgers. Those were good times, man. It's a lot of fun out there.

I will give Nomar some advice though. I'm serious about this. Watch out for those damn California tax guys. Those dudes will charge you with invading your taxes at the drop of a hat. Bam!

Tax invasion is a tough rap to beat. You think I wanted to manage the Cubs? Gotta pay the bills, man.

I have some good news though. Sounds like we're closing in on a new rightfielder. One who's going to be better suited to how sunny it is out there at Wrigley. His name is Jacque Jones, and even though he's French, he's a brother. You know like Sidney Poitier.

Who's the new guy? -- Juan Pierre

I just got done doing one of these for our new outfielder-infielder guy John Mayberry and I was so excited by it that I wanted to do one for my new leadoff guy, Juan Pierre. At least I think he's going to be my lead-off guy. You know, I'm not sure if you've ever heard this, but we're in the earn it business, not the give it business, and Juan's going to have to earn the leadoff spot. Neifi did a pretty nice job there last year, but I'm confident that Juan can give Neifi a run for his money.

We faced Juan the last few years when he was in Florida, and he's one of those guys who can really put a lot of pressure on the defense. I like those kinds of guys. When I was a young guy batting behind Hank Aaron I used to be one of those kinds of guys. I might not look fast now, but in my day I could scoot. I was quicker than diarrhea through a goose! Truth is my mom gave me the nickname Dusty because as a kid I always got so dirty playing, but when I was a youngster batting behind Hank Aaron people thought my nickname came from being so fast. You know like when I was on base all you saw was a dusty cloud because I was scootin'!

One thing I'm going to have to find out from Juan in spring training is what his heritage is. I find that stuff very interesting. See, when I find out a guy is named Juan, I think he's probably Mexican. Like Juan Valdez and Don Juan and Juan Montalvo. Those are some famous Mexicans. I was watching the Bears game when they were playing the 49ers a few weeks ago and I found out that Brian Urlacher is Mexican! That's just crazy. They said he's from New Mexico, but history buffs like me know that that means the part of Mexico that wasn't Texas. You know Texas used to be Mexico. I guess that makes President Bush a Mexican, too!

But Juan's last name is Pierre and that's French. Or South Dakotan. There's a Pierre, South Dakota. See it can be either. Famous guys from France and/or South Dakota include:

Joan of Arc
Marcel Marceau
Roger Maris
Napoleon Dynamite
Darin Erstad
Tom Brokaw
Ken Landreaux

If you're wondering that's French, French, South Dakotan, French, South Dakotan, South Dakotan and French. I love this entymology stuff. I have lots of books on family trees and hystology and stuff like that. It's pretty fascinating.

When I get a chance, I'll catch you guys up on the new pitchers we signed earlier in the offseason. We got an old buddy of mine from San Francisco named Scott Air and a guy who used to pitch for the White Sox and Indians named Bob Lowery.

But that's all the time I've got. The fish are bitin! Stay cool, dudes!

Who's the new guy? -- John Mayberry

Dudes! Since the winter time is when I go fishing and hunting and when one of my employees tries to find new guys for me to have on my roster, I thought I should start a new thing here where I tell you who we got and how I'm going to use them.

Let's start with our new pinch-hitter John Mayberry. He spent the last couple of years in St. Louis where Tony used him in the outfield and at both first and third bases. Not at the same time, though. He usually just played one position you know, at once.

I look at him as kind of a Todd Hollandsworth guy. You know, because they both played for the Marlins once. He doesn't have Todd's speed or his pretty blonde curls. I didn't really see him as an everyday player, but you know, you can find a lot of stuff on the InterWeb. I Googled him (that's not as dirty as it sounds) and look at his stats!
http://www.baseball-reference.com/m/maybejo01.shtml

He's driven in 100 runs three times and had 95 another time. Us baseball experts will tell you that RBI are the most important stat in baseball. He's older than I thought, though. Says there that he's 56 years old. But that's cool, because Julio Franco is a couple years older and he's still going strong.

A lot depends on who bats behind him. If you have a good player batting behind you you can really hit well because you get good pitches. I'm really thinking about batting Derrek Lee ninth next year so that all of the guys will get better pitches to hit.

Dusty's Mailbag

Hey dudes! I get lots of mail and every once and a while I actually take the time to answer it. (I learned the hard way that just because you throw the letters away, it doesn't mean the feds can't try to throw your ass in the joint for tax invasions.)

Today's letter is from Matt M. in Ft. Lauderdale, Florida.

Matt writes:

I'm a baseball player and my skipper doesn't let me play very much. Everybody tells me I'm really good, but I only get to play once and a while. What do I have to do to get more playing time? I really love to play and it makes me cry sometimes when I don't get to play. Then last year my best friend got hit in the head with a pitch and he wasn't around very much after that, and when he was he would lay on the floor of the dugout, complain that everything was spinning and then throw up on himself. What should I do?

That's a good question, there Matt M. from Ft. Lauderdale, Florida. I feel bad for your little friend. I hope he's gonna be OK. We had the exact same thing happen to us with the Cubs last year. We brought up a little guy and he got hit in the head and he didn't play again. It was pretty sad. I thought the little guy had a chance. He reminded me a lot of John Cangelosi, only Jewish instead of white.

As for what you can do to play more? That's easy. There are two things you can do to get more playing time.

1. Hit a home run every time you bat. I mean, how can you bench a guy who hits a homer every time he bats?

2. Get older. See, you have to pay your dues to play this game. Do you think a guy like Neifi Perez got to play when he was young? Of course not. He had to earn it. See, Matt M. we're in the earn it business, not the give it business. I know it seems like you should just play the best guys all the time, but it's not that easy, dude. How can I look a veteran player in the eye and tell him he can't play, just because a younger player is better than him? See, that's absurd. Can't do that, dude.

I don't know if you know this. It's probably in your history books though. When I was a young player I played on a team with Hank Aaron. It was great. Did I get to play over him because I was young? Of course not. Hank Aaron was old and he got to play every day. Actually, I did, too, but that's not the point. The point is that baseball's all about seniority. The older guys should play more than the young ones.

Why? Because they'll die sooner and when they're dead, then the young guys can play.

See, it's not so complicated.

Well, that's all the time I have today. So, like I always say. Stay cool, dudes!

Lunch with Milton

Greetings, dudes!

As many of you have read in the newspapers, I had lunch a month ago with a pretty wild dude. If you follow baseball, as I do from time to time, you know that Milton Bradley isn't just the dude who makes all those board games, he's also a big league baseball player!

Did I ever tell you about the time Hank Aaron and I played Boggle on a bus all the way from Atlanta to St. Louis? I'll never forget it, that Hank he could spell like a sonofabitch. Must have been those powerful wrists of his. Impressive. You know, I was just a kid, but I used to bat behind him. I did, really. You can look it up.

So about a month ago I get a call from a guy who works for me with the Cubs and he asked me if I wanted to have a free lunch. I said, "Hey Jim, ain't no thing a free lunch, dude." But he explained to me that the Dodgers were looking to trade the non-board game Milton Bradley and because Milton has had some problems with "The Man" in the past, the Dodgers said they'd let me talk to Milton and feel him up about where his head was at.

Is it "feel him up" or "feel him out?" I always forget. Either way, it sounds a little gay.

So I got in my Lincoln and I took the long drive from Sacto (that's what we call Sacramento) down to LA-LA land. Milton and I met at one of my favorite restaurants. You know, I like to think I'm pretty cultured. I like all kinds of food. I love soul food, don't get me wrong, but Thai food is good, sushi always hits the spot, I even dig those potatoes the Germans make with the onions in them. Good stuff. So we met at my favorite place in LA-LA land and broke bread.

Milton comes in and everything's cool. He's a good dude when you get to know him. So I asked him, because I had to do my due negligence (I love those lawyer shows) on him. I asked him about the time he got in the fight with the little catcher from the Dodgers when he was in Cleveland and he explained it. I asked him about the time he threw the water bottles at the fans at Dodger Stadium and he explained it. I asked him about the time he threw all the balls on the field and he had an explanation for that, too.

Then I asked him the tough question. See last year, he had a bit of a row with one of my old players, Jeff Kent. Jeff's not the easiest guy to get along with. He's kind of...what's the elegant term I'm looking for? Oh, I know. I don't mean to be vague, but let's just say that Kent is a hillbilly redneck. I can see how a brother would have a problem getting along with him.

So Milton and me, we're cool. I thought he was a great dude, dude. You know, that was a good day. A nice drive down the PCH, good food, and a good dude to talk to. I felt really good about it.

I was running lineups through my head, dude. I mean, we already got Neifi back and at the time we still had Jose Macias. That's a lot of versatility. Those dudes can swith hit. I'm not sure if you know what that is, because it's a technical baseball term.

Switch hitting isn't when you like to get naked and rub up on guys and girls. I mean that is switch hitting, but not in baseball. I think baseball took the term from that, though. It means that as a hitter you can bat right or lefthanded. That's important, because everybody knows that it's easier to hit a righthander if you're batting lefty and versey visa.

Sure, Derrek Lee is good, and I love having that dude on my club, but it'd be cooler if he could hit lefty once and a while. But he can't. Not everybody can do that. I mean, it's not like guys like Jose Macias were born in trees. No sir.

See, Milton's a switch hitter. That would have given us three of those guys. I mean, I gotta tell you as a manager it's tough to know what to do when the other team has a switch hitter on deck.

Baseball strategy is pretty convoluted. There's a lot to think about. Say we're playing the Astros and Craig Biggio is up and Lance Berkman is on deck. Biggio is more than just a dirty helmet. He's a dirt dog, man. That guy will wear you out. So you don't want to have to pitch to that. Berkman's fat and pretty slow, and sometimes he falls down and pretends he got hit by pitches, so good, sound baseball strategy is to walk Biggio and make Berkman hit into an inning ending double play. I mean, that's what the book says to do every time.

But you can't always go by that book, dudes. See, Berkman's a switch hitter. So if you've got a righty on the mound he's batting lefty and he's two steps closer to first base. So if he hits that double play grounder, he still might beat it out at first base. So now what do you do, man?

Him being a switch hitter means you might have to pitch to Biggio when you don't want to (which is ever) or you might bring in a lefty pitcher like Will Okrent, who we had last year. So you walk Biggio then you bring Okrent in and on deck they've got a guy like Jose Vizcaino and you know what? He's a switch hitter, too!

See the dilemma? I try to explain to guys who don't know as much as baseball as I do (and not only have I been doing this a long time but I learned from the best--guys like Tommy Lasorda and Roger Craig and you probably don't know this, but when I was a young player I batted behind Hank Aaron)--sometimes there aren't any right decisions to make.

Like in this Biggio-Berkman-Vizcaino situation. I mean who are you going to pitch to, there?

So anyway, that's why I like switch hitters so much. I mean since Lenny Harris left we haven't had very many good ones.

Funny story about Lenny. He was a quality dude, man. No surprise that when he left us in 2003 he went to the Marlins and led them to the World Series title. I sent him up that year to face Billy Wagner and he dug in and he's in the lefty batter's box. I yelled out to him to remind him to turn himself around and he wouldn't do it. He batted lefty and struck out. So he comes back to the dugout and I asked him why he didn't switch hit and he said, "I never learned how." Funny stuff. He could be crazy like that. But I knew he switch hit because he threw with his right hand. Corey Patterson's the same way. He refuses to switch hit for me. I don't know why. I guess all of a sudden everybody's going all Ricky Henderson on me.

Well, that's all the time I have for today. So, as always. Stay cool, dude.